Gold
Diggers

Passion

08/18/2016
THE HOTTER THE MESS, THE BETTER
 
TM

When you think of a Gold Digger, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? You turn the other way and say to yourself, “Bad girl” or (sometimes) “Bad boy,” or think, “What. a. ho.”

Gold Diggers are my passion. They fascinate me. When I see one on a reality show I can’t take my eyes off her. Gold Diggers are hot people who like the finer things in life but don’t want to pay for them. Like me, kind of, minus all the gold-digging stuff.

A wise sage once said, “Why spend mine when I can spend yours?” That sage was Lil’ Kim.

gold-diggers
gold-diggers

When I was younger, one of my first jobs in New York City was working at Bloomingdale’s. When you start at Bloomie’s you go through a rigorous training orientation. It’s when I met a Gold Digger named Tina. Tina was a beautiful older woman from Taiwan who lived on the Upper East Side with her rich husband.

Tina and I became fast friends. We would go to lunch together, make fun of the basics in our training class and talk about hot guys. Then one day, Tina asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said, “No,” to which Tina replied, “You need to learn how to work that pussy.” I had no words. Tina then went on to tell me why she left Taiwan and came to America: “Look at my bag, it’s a Birkin. Birkin bags can cost up to $300,000.”

In my mind, I’m asking, “Why is she even working to begin with?” But then Tina explained to me that she was bored at home all day and wanted to do something she liked. Fashion was something she loved. You see, when Tina was a little girl growing up in Taiwan, all she ever wanted was to have a Birkin bag and a life of luxury. So Tina came to the U.S. in the mid-90s on a modeling visa. But she really was here to GET THAT MONEY!

According to Tina, she wasn’t here even a week before she polished up her gold shovel and zeroed in on a rich man. Tina also had some advice for Gold Diggers in training:

gold-diggers

Step 1: Have him take you out to his favorite restaurant and then ask him to order for you. Tina says asking him to order makes him feel in control and important, and makes you appear sweet and adventurous.

 

Step 2: On your second date, buy him something like a tie or socks—some little piece of shit trinket. Yes, he’s rich and can buy whatever he wants, but he’ll think it’s adorable that you got him something.

 

Step 3: Lastly, after a lovely dinner, invite him up to your apartment for “tea and conversation”. Just as the convo winds down, you blow ‘im.

You see, by using these three simple steps, Tina was able to obtain her Birkin, a rich husband, couture everything, and a hot penthouse on the Upper East Side. Yayyy her!

My relationship with Tina was short-lived. Once orientation was over, on her first (and last) day at Bloomingdale’s, she quit within the hour because she was denied three weeks off for vacation. I miss her.

Even though Tina was the first Gold Digger I ever met, reality shows like “The Real Housewives”, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and “The Bachelor” have made materialism mainstream. Here you see beautiful people who have access to amazing things, and you want to be them. I think this leaves a group of people feeling left out — people who want the lifestyle but not necessarily the fame. Thus, the birth of Gold Diggers and, dare I say it, Sugar Babies.

I’m sure we all at some point have said, “I can do that, I can totally be a Gold Digger,” but then you’re like, “No, what would my friends think if they ever saw me on a date with someone old enough to have had a pet Dodo bird when they were a kid?” To be clear, I have nothing against Gold Diggers; I love them! It takes boobs of steel to work that hustle!

TM

So let’s raise a glass of the finest champagne to the get-that-money heroes of our time! TO GOLD DIGGERS!!!

More Thoughts.

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